YOU YES YOU.

This is a real stressful period, but I guess I shouldn't be overlooking the greatest things in life.

The friends that we have.

Not many, just a few.

:)

Gimme a break!

Listening to : Sweet Disposition - Temper Trap

I'm violating the small rule that I've set for myself to never blog in the school library.

It just feels sad doing so. However, it is futile effort to continue studying.

My brain has semi frozen over and has stopped working as of the past 20 minutes.

So here's me taking a small break.

Guess things have gotten a whole lot better. Like what some others have said.

The Up and Running attitude of mine seems to have disappeared.

Either way, things are getting better.

All for the right reasons this time.

Breakthrough came late last night, in the quiet cool of the night.

It was refreshing on many levels.

Yeah, I still do feel a little messed up but nothing I can't handle anymore.

However, during this period, I've become somewhat dependent on just a few friends.

So much so I think it's a bad thing.

Being independent and real is probably what got me thus far.

Being able to operate without many around but now.... I'm not too sure.

Then again, I'm really glad that there're those around me who truly care.

Care enough to inflict pain for my own good...

Either way, I'm not stopping, not now.

Come on, I can't get gassed in the last moment.

First summer

Listening to : Goodbye - Avril Lavigne.

The lack of sleep and the increase in stress is driving me pretty much nuts. I WANT A BREAK!

Besides that, I've got quite a whole string of activities lined up for the end of exams and commencement of my long awaited holidays.

Well, lets see....

I guess the aim of the entire summer vacation is really to get into gear of what I wanna do?

Everyone is doing internships etc etc and well, I guess I should be looking into areas like that.

Well, a few exciting things coming up! IN ORDER OF EXCITEMENT.

1) Crossfit Level 1 certification!

Totally want to get it done, kick start what dreams I can fulfill this year and those that are to come! Apart from that, I'm intending to hopefully get some coaching experience.

Guess as young imaginative varsity students, few of us are keen on starting and branching crossfit out to various schools and CCAs.

Wonder how that'll will work out, but the idea is still at hand is on the verge of growing!

So, yeah, I can't wait to do more in this area of my life!

Hopefully coach grants me an intern opportunity. I'm avidly looking for people/organizations to teach and help. This holidays will really open up much required time to source this out.

2) Higher Conference

Yeah, I guess this is something I really desperately need.

I know that in terms of level, I should be well, in the mindset of really giving in this conference.

Keyword used here is should.

I guess this time I really need to receive something strong from God.

I've been running away and adverting his presence for way too long.

3) Yoga classes

Don't laugh now, I really do wanna learn yoga.

No, I'm not gay, I just need to get more flexible.

A whole lot more flexible. But I guess I'm glad that others are willing to join me.

I'm literally going to force others to accompany me to it if nobody does!

Totally can't wait for a more graceful and flexible Lionel.

4) Friends....

Ok, this probably ranks higher than that of yoga but I'm slightly lazy to change the order.

So it seems I've been wasting too much time studying mugging and feeling all sucky about life.

Time for me to give back to others...

I have got to make time for those friends I've neglected for long time.

Time to start giving Bible studies and helping those who can't exactly help themselves.

Time to learn how to lead this new found team of mine. (That just reminds me of responsibilities that i have coming up, THIS WEEK)

Time to simply be there for people. :)

5) Tuition

Yeah, sounds like a total nerd, but I do wanna be better at giving tuition lessons to whomever who needs it. Guess there's just this burning passion to teach youths.

Yeah, though I hate superficial interaction, I know...

6) PARTY!

Enough said....

Much to do but honestly, still very little time. Guess all these are mapped out. I have to plan them out. For now.... don't be stupid, focus on your exams.

Getting into perspective

Listening to : You make me happy - Lindsey Ray

Time to stop being miserable and be awesome.

Can't believe I made such a Max statement. Either way, that's what I needa do.

Stop, just stop feeling like I've got no more juice left and actually get down to getting things better.

I know I can, I know I will. Eventually, I'm still the conqueror I've always been.

I just need to remember it. I know what to do, really..

But I just need a little push. So yeah, I'm trying real hard!

Things are gonna get better and I know it will!

Time to get my head in and know what really matters.

The World will not wait, I'm getting old and time to make the most of who I am.

Time for Lionel to really be Lionel and not some emo prick.

Can't believe I've been acting this way for the past few weeks.

Gosh, what an utterly sad state I was in....

EITHER WAY! Nothing is instantaneous.

But one thing is for sure, the decision to be stronger, better, greater!

I'm not denying my humane emotions and feelings, I'm just placing them in perspective. :)

2 more weeks to my exams, 4 more weeks to the end of it.

Let's do this...

1 year in crossfit

Listening to : Wolf Like Me - TV on the Radio

So it's been pretty much about one whole year since I've entered the sport of crossfit.

One full year of training in Crossfit Singapore alongside Coach Kevin and all the other peeps around. I'd like to think that we've come a long way, I've grown, not just physically but mentally as well. That I'm able to be more resilient in the tough things now.

Not gonna talk much about the physical training regimes but the whole general idea of crossfit, the culture that it brings.

Well, before crossfit, I've had such a long history of sporting background.

Ranging from Basketball back in High School, till Track and Field in Junior College days and even Ultimate Frisbee after I finished my army term.

All of them were amazing, all of them gave me something which really made me feel good about myself. However, something was significantly missing.

To a small extent, purpose...

I was missing that drive inside of me which well, like what i said before, keeps me going back again and again. I guess being in track developed my mind and physical attenuation towards short bursts of intense activity but I guess it really wasn't kicking it.

It was only when David posed a training regime for us to go to, crossfit. Ridiculous 90 bucks for 3 intro classes. I sincerely thought it was a big rip off.

All for frisbee fitness, well, let's give it a shot.

I went in to an industrial estate, expecting a huge gym but entered a small apartment tucked away admist roaring bikes. Huge tyres were littered all around the perimeter of the vicinity.

I really thought that it was a cheat session. Walking in, I was shocked, I saw bodies on the floor, struggling for some oxygen after an immensely tiring workout.

Thereafter, I was greeted by no one else but...

Coach Kevin.

Oh yes, I was afraid, the first thing he said was...

"Lionel, you're 30 minutes late, that sums up to 150 burpees, clear it later".

WHAT ON EARTH AM I IN FOR!?

So yes, the intro class went relatively well and surprisingly, whatever he taught was strongly advocated back in track days, basketball days and almost every aspect of training.

The movements were simple, the movements weren't very complicated but the movements were truly MOVEMENTS.

Going about doing them required much effort, even with an empty PVC bar.

After that first few intro class, I won't say I fell in love with crossfit straight away but it has left a long lasting impact on me.

I alternated between going for ultimate trainings in NUS and coming to the 'box' for WODs.

I was firstly very impressed by the knowledge of the athletes and CoachK, when I told them of my previous ailments and injuries, they immediately knew what was the cause of it.

I clearly remember my first few days.

It wasn't a scenario whereby nobody wanted to talk to me, I do my work out, you do yours.

Everyone kind of swarmed to me, teaching me the basics of the basics.

I clearly remember my first WOD.

10 minutes, As Many Rounds as possible,

7 Over head squats, 10 pushup, 15 air squats.

I used an empty bar, and I fell completely flat on the floor after it. It was my first real workout.

I couldn't breathe, my mind was going nuts, I wanted to puke and cry at the same time.

Strangely, in the midst of all that pain, I was insanely high as well.

MY GOODNESS! THIS CROSSFIT THING REALLY PACKED SOME KICK.

The community added to the flavor of the whole training idea.

So there and then, I moved on, no more ultimate. Crossfit....

Of course there're much deeper truths to the training regime, the technique, the form which cannot be properly explained here in words.

However, it was evident, it was clear, this provided me with that kick, it gave me what I desired.

To do something I never thought I could do...

However, like the other sports, it didn't have a purpose at that very moment.

That was when I spoke to coach one day, after an amazing mission trip to Kuching and learning of the cultural mandate in SOT.

I learnt of the true meaning of crossfit Singapore. The reason for existence. I guess I've said it way too many times but yeah...

It's about being fit, not on the outside, but in the inside and to bring that to those who can't help themselves. Simple as it seemed, it really made sense to me...

Apart from all the masculinity, it had a deeper meaning. I have never cared much about having a perfect body, only about being fit, pushing my limits and seeing how far I can go.

This was it...

I have to admit, crossfit has changed me considerably.

From what I have observed and noticed in the box, I'm not the only one who shares such sentiments. Many others also do. I guess it's this culture that we have created.

To care for one another and work out together. It isn't just like any other CCA.

The people are here cause they want to be here, they want to get better because they want to.

The size of the community has been growing ever since.

I'd like to think that what attracts the people is probably the testimonies of how crossfit has helped gotten everyone a whole lot fitter but what makes them stay is the culture.

Yeah, I know what's running through your mind, it's just like a cell group.

Yes it is, if someone comes to you and say you've got no time to commit, it's too time consuming.

Well, you're not being bought into a program, but into a lifestyle, regardless of what anyone says, this is how it is...

We've all grown, from the very first introductory class.

To the size we have now...

It's been a great year, it's been truly fruitful. The most recent tough WOD I did.

5 rounds of 160# thrusters (heavier than my body weight mind you) and Muscle Ups.

Never would I have thought I'd be doing things like these...

if I can, you can, they can.

Looking forward to many more years to come and much more growth as an athlete and individual.

Pushing your limits?

Listening to : Fight and Kiss - We are wolves

Pushing it to the limit and breaking it, something we commonly say and throw around way too easily. Going all out, giving your all every single time in every WOD and activity.

Well, I'm sorry to burst your bubble, don't think that's really feesible and possible.

Quite a chore if I may add.

We all have a limit in our mind, body and even in our soul.

I have to admit, the limit is there for a real logical reason. Pushing it is great.

Getting that high from doing something you've never done before, emerging victorious every single time, it feels great. Achieving something you never thought you could.

However, there's a fine fine line between pushing your limit and killing yourself one bit at a time.

Crossfit boasts intensity, pushing your heart, lungs, muscles, body to it's boundaries in a short span of time. Basically, carrying out immense work capacity.

I have no doubt that it is effective in getting you places, it's the intensity in our lives which eventually drives us to greater heights.

Take what Pastor Kong said yesterday, in trials and tribulations, grace abounds. Intense bursts of testings, difficulties is a tested and proven way of growing as a person and in GOD.

However, prolonged intensity, prolonged pushing, extended periods of immense stress takes it's toll on people. Eventually, it drives people insane, it drives people up the wall and ultimately, away from the sole reason why someone actually does it to begin with.

Before you push the limit, in the midst of the heat and tension, in the sweat and tears, you need to have this bugging thought in your mind, why you're in it.

Why you do what you're doing, why do you keep going back again and again despite the hell that you go through.

If you can't verbalize it, if you can't piece things together in your head, then perhaps, you should evaluate some stuff in your life.

Taking a break may be the best thing you could do right now. Taking a step back and breathing may be the smartest decision in your life. Evaluate yourself.

Something I learnt from well crossfit as well. Verbal cues.

Whenever I'm down and out, whenever the heat gets turned on, whenever I wanna give up.

These 3 words come to my mind. And I tell myself that, every single time.

"Believe and Conquer".

A small extract from crossfit HQ, when you train the beginners, when you're teaching them simple movement, don't complicate things, don't throw in big bombastic jargons.

In every aspect, we as humans LOVE to complicate simple logic (explains Sociology)

So as we teach them the push jerk, we don't tell them so many things at once.

Of course there're a thousand and one aspects of it.

Get your head through your arms (window), knees out, back engaged, tighten your core, drive your heels into the ground, keep your head straight.

The list just goes on and on and on.

However, one phrase which others have commonly advocated easily condenses everything into 3 simple words. "Dip and Drive".

When you tell them to perform that motion, you tell them to dip and drive.

What happens thereafter? Well, they dip and drive!

It's a simple logic, coming from within you, you don't exactly need much external voices to keep bugging you to dip and drive, to look ahead and not back, to be an overcomer.

You need to find that phrase.

Fine that revelation for your life, that simple 3 words, that simple phrase.

"I can do all things"

"Nothing is Impossible"

"With God, all things are possible"

This applies to not just crossfit, not just fitness but in every aspect of life.

When you're head is down on the floor, tears filling your eyebags, no longer have sufficient strength to lift your head. Those few words are perhaps all you've got.

I learnt something valuable from a friend yesterday.

No matter what we say, no matter what we do, we are all alone.

Yeah, I know, everyone can say that they've got their buddies beside them etc.

But no, at the end of the day, in the quietness of the night, we are all alone.

What is helping you stand? What is causing you keep pushing that limit you always want to?

For the sake of others?

For the simple joy of doing what you're doing? To be a better person?

Keep pushing, keep focused.

"Believe and Conquer".

Cause I'm with you in it!

Dumb Dogs...

Listening to : Goodbye - Avril Lavigne

It's 330 in the morning, I'm tired, exhausted but feeling quite accomplished for doing quite a bit of work today. Not too impressed with my emotions on the other hand.

I wish i could blabber everything out here without being aptly judged.

However, in the sad sad world we live in, kindness isn't easily spared is it?

So censor we shall. My eyes were somewhat opened yesterday to well, something pretty amazing.

So much so I really couldn't think straight, I wasn't rational at all.

Being around my friends didn't help at all. Nothing could distract me from it.

Wow, I guess it was something I knew I could do, I knew I can achieve!

But then again, there're a thousand and one things which can mess things up.

Implications implications implications....

I wish it would all go away in a simple small way.

The past few days must have been quit a living hell for you, yeah, best friend.

I can't say that I've been through what you've been through.

I can say that well, I've felt alone before, felt like no one cares to a large extent.

Well, people do. I do! And as much as I can, I'll always be there.

I don't need too many fanciful things, I don't need that many people around.

Just a few and to that few, I treasure a whole lot.

Take the day off, look around, smile to yourself, enjoy life.

Be contented.

Apart from exams, I still need a little bit of sorting out to do...

Ok maybe a little is a small understatement.

Can't I just stay put for once, mind don't wander will you!?

Moving on, this is life isn't it?

Looking ahead, creating chances.

Haha, and yes, I'll wait for the dog to finish Peeing, Kay?

The K Word

Listening to : Push - Avril Lavigne

Kindness: It’s an essential element of CrossFit.

What? How the heck do I figure kindness as a part of Elite Fitness? To stand on the top, you gotta stand on top of somebody, right?

Yes and no. It’s all in the way you do it. Pulling yourself up does not have to mean pushing someone else down.

See, this whole CrossFit thing was never about putting anybody down. It was always about lifting. Lifting bumpers and loads, lifting yourself up, lifting others up, lifting this world up. Except you just kind of hope you get some help. Deadlifting the world by yourself is pretty hard to do. That’s why all these other people are here too.

Competition motivates, but it should not undermine. Drive yourself to higher levels. Motivate others to join you. Refuse to accept less than the best. That’s all cool. That’s what this thing is about.

Belittling? Denigrating? Maybe not so much. Now, don’t get me wrong: Political correctness is NOT the goal. I don’t want everybody wearing shawls and holding hands and singing “Kumbayah.” (The shawl totally gets in the way of triple extension anyhow.) We can dish it out and we can take it. Joking and messing around in CrossFit is totally cool. In fact, those are some of the best parts of CrossFit. Especially if the joke’s on you . . .

But, somewhere, underneath all the bravado and the bluster, let’s remember to be kind. Some people want to eat their cake and have it too. We want to have elite fitness and improve humanity too. (We’re not so much into that whole cake thing, you know.) It’s a tall order, but what the heck, nobody ever said we were rational.

I need to remember this....

Listening to : Push - Avril Lavigne

I'm really really tired, physically and mentally.

Strangely, my emotions are still holding up.

My mental capacity is deterring my physical strength to set myself up properly in every situation, be it in crossfit or in church or anything.

That irritates the hell outta me and man it's a viscous process.

The stress of exams are really kicking in.

At least, things in other senses are turning for the better.

Feeling more and more encouraged by the simple things around me all the time.

Though continually, I do need some encouragement here and there...

I guess like what Pastor did say, I need some people I can cling on to. Those around me...

I know I can do this, I know I don't need some fickle minded one off incident to get me started on focusing or working harder.

Simply put it, I just need to make a decision, and just get down to doing it.

Ain't doing the open WOD, mind is just not too strong enough for it.

Not for now at least.

I'm still more than a conqueror....

That, I need to constantly remind myself...

Live now

Listening to : Just Say Yes - Snow patrol

Enough already: stop with the resolutions.

Stop saying how you’re going to improve.

Stop telling. Stop talking. Start doing.

You don’t need to read another article on “The Best Way to . . . “

You just need to take A way.

Now.

The clock is ticking. You won’t get these minutes, this day — this life – back.

Live right now. Live right now.

Live right now.

Maggie

Listening to : Bring it - Jodie Connor

Well I took something off an affiliates web, nothing too deep.

But well, something many of us just need to face up to in life.

Ok, fine. Maybe it's just me...

"I had this Captain at Officer Training School when I was in the Air Force: Maggie Childress. She could ride you like nobody else. Get up in your sh** and make you produce. When she wasn’t around, other OT candidates would bitch fiercely about her.
“Who does she think she is?”
“WTF? Can’t I ever get a break?”
“I don’t like her.”
When they’d try to get me to join in their kvetching, I had one question for them: “Does she make you better?”
And they always had the same answer, mixed among their protests and whines: “Yeah, she does. She makes me better.”
End of story.
Are you a Maggie Childress? Or are you just somebody’s best friend for an hour?"

- Crossfit Lisbeth

Breathe and conquer

Listening to : Just Say Yes - Snow Patrol

Man, I think in due time, I need a holiday or something.

When everything messes up, it all happens at the same time.

Guess It's true as to what they say, Murphy is my best friend.

It really doesn't help when the people whom I'd like to hear some support from just gives instructions and stuff like that. Though I do appreciate it really.

I'm working alot harder this semester (I think), having no life most of the time...

Still need to vastly occupy my mind and yes, I'm not focused so make it up with time.

Crossfit has been treating me well, providing a certain sense of escape.

Not just that but well, a sense of accomplishment as well.

How do you put it, it's where I know I can be who I am without anyone judging me as well.

Either way, there's much work to be done. I can't rest now....

The coming weeks are going to be quite hellish for me.

However, one thing I did learn from yesterday.

"Breathe, and conquer."

Please don't have somebody waiting

Listening to : Enchanted - Taylor Swift

Today, it has really come down. Thought I was able to get everything in order...

To well, be on top of everything and well make this a good semester, a good life.

But....

Things which I do wanna say can't be explicitly put into words.

Not here at least...

To YXYL, I'm just thinking a little, not emo... don't worry.

Choc chip

Listening to : The Everglow - Mae

And so after so so long, we're actually here. In this promised land of ours.

I'm really glad cause it's been well, 6 years? Since we began this vision with Pastor.

I totally believe in it and am willing to go all out with him in this.

Being part of it from the beginning really means alot.

Yeah, times haven't been too good. for the church as well as for well, me honestly...

Way too much thinking going on in this puny head of mine.

Too Much for my own good.

But well, like what Pastor said on Tuesday.

What matters now, is that we get better, focused on what is truly at hand.

So please, really, trust that I am doing the right thing and get off my back will you?

Seeing the new hall was so captivating, it's so majestic, it's beyond description.

I'm truly honored to be part of this, to help in setting up this symbol of victory.

That aside, being focused and sure in my work has never been too tough.

Wonder how bad this semester will be, maybe it's too late for me to salvage any of my grades.

But I think I'm still going to give it all I've got.

Just like well, what Moses said, this sem, I'm a different Lionel....

Gotta wake up and drink my chocolate chip cream.

I'm still hoping!

Be Better...

Listening to : Drops Of Jupiter - Train

And so it begins, the distinctive painful strive for the better side of me.

I guess we all wanna be bigger, smarter, stronger. but really, be better.

Enough of being in a rut, time to really pull up those socks of mine.

Get down to the real business of life, which is well essentially, you.

Yes, you reading this. If you are, you care (even a little bit) about my life.

And yes, I would like to meet you soon, rebuild this relationship that we used to have, or possibly can have!

Life isn't all about being the best. I learnt that today.

With well, tears in my eyes....

Found.

Listening to : Love Lost - Temper Trap

What if I made the biggest mistake of my life. What if I'm just unsure and confused with what I want.

What if in the coming days, I realize that I'm the biggest ass around town.

I'm killing myself just by thinking all the time.

Love lost but...

Possibilities....

Listening to : For the first time - The Script

My heart falters way too easily. So much so it gets really tough to control at times.

Trying to get a grip of things never felt so hard.

It gets even tougher when 'friends' try to show concern.

Really appreciate it but I'm trying to be aware of whom I share with...

Moving on to Suntec well, means I'm moving on to a new era, phase of life.

Time to move on, grow up.

However, I do not doubt that small singular possibility....

built

Listening to : Hide and Seek - Imogen Heap

Things are actually turning for the better.

For once, in the past few months, I felt part of it...

Holding on to hope for the future, I don't have much now, I practically have nothing.

Nothing to fall back on except a few friends that I have.

But realizing how some care is quite... Nostalgic.

I'm really not one whom shares and expresses myself in front of others.

I'd like to think I've put up quite a good front the past few days...

but gosh, I'm getting really tired.

So please, if I just want some personal space, give me some alright?

Either way, things are getting better, one step at a time...

Honestly, I've got those few to thank.

For not letting go when it was honestly real easy to see me crumble.

I'm not forgetting

Listening to : Don't Forget - Demi Lovato

I know that there's much pain involved. I just can't seem to let go...
if I can't then what more her... It's extremely painful and I'm trying hard to cover up.
I'm not too sure if I can find any more courage.
All that I have now are memories, good ones which I will not foget.

It was a dream

Listening to : Teenage Dream - Katy Perry

The past month has beyond painful, torturous and hurtful.
I know there're things that need to be done and no matter how badly it feels, I have to do it.

My World will crumble and I'll lose almost all, but for everyone's sake, I have to...
Sadly, there's no happy ending just as how we wished/dreamed/hoped for.

I'm leaving it as that... This blog will be vacant for a while, a long while till i sort things out...