Gina Pt 1

**Disclaimer, this blog post is a mess, writing it isn't easy at all. I'm sure there's gonna be a better version as time goes by but oh well, if I get lazy, then so be it eh? (PS. it isn't coherent and English is all over the place, so if you can't stand it, well, don't read it k?:) )

There's got to be a thousand possible ways to deal with this.
I'm not good really.
I'm quite terrible at dealing with goodbyes.
Coming back home and realizing that this is going to be happening regardless of what I do.
Clueless is really the word to describe how I should be feeling right about now.
I could be hiding in the corner, sobbing weeks before it actually happens.
Alternatively, I could be whining on the phone for hours over.
Not saying they won't happen, there's a good chance it'll happen eventually.
However, right now.
I guess I find some solace in confiding in these few words.
It probably won't be the only post about this, but hey, we'll see.

Gina is going home in a couple of weeks.
I mean, she is GINA.
She is part of my Family. She is part of the household, She is part of me.
She's been taking care of me for the past 25 years.
Yes, she has made her fair share of mistakes.
But who hasn't? I mean, I know I have.
I have messed up so so so so many times and to see me come back, given multiple chances and yet Gina not being given that unreserved grace, somehow aches me.
Apart from all of that, she's done so so many things for my family.
Of which, a few things like holding the entire family together when it was about to crumble etc.
I mean, that's just naming a few things.
But really, she's done so much more for me.
She literally, brought me up. She has seen me grow up and seen me through so many things.

Some may really be thinking.
Well, she's just a helper, she's just a maid.
No.
No she isn't.
She's more than that.
She has transcended even the term "Family".
I think back and perhaps, I find her being the closest to me in this house hold.
I find her understanding me the most amongst all my relatives.
I see her keeping my secrets, even sharing some with me and I with her.
I remember how she has consoled me when I am down with the worst of heart breaks.
I recall how she pushes me to be better when she knows I can be better.
I fondly think back of the many times she has held my hands and felt my forehead, making sure that my fever has gone down.
For 25 years, she has become someone who can never be replaced.

I can't care less about how awesome the food is when she's around.
I really can't be bothered about how clean the house is as well.
What I do care about.
Is every time I walk through my doors.
Will I see her?
No matter how good or bad the day is, getting 6 A's for A levels, coming back from a long week in the Air Base, coming back with a dislocated shoulder from KL, returning home after a rough day at the box, returning home after the opening of the box for the very first time, coming home after countless exams in NUS, coming home after a very tiring long night out at zouk, coming home after studying 18 hours straight, coming back home when sometimes, I just don't feel like coming back home.
For the past 25 years, I've been greeted by the same person.
Every single time, the questions vary but the look of concern is always, always present.
That look, sometimes I take for granted, very honestly. That look, however, keeps me sane for just one more day.
It lets me know that perhaps, I can fight yet another day because someone else is willing to fight this battle with me.

You know how they always say, that friends can come and go, even relationships can change in a snap of a finger.
But I guess, this is something very very different.
I've been alive for 25 years, and she has cared for me for all 25 years.
So yes, I am getting a little emotional and incoherent in this blog post. It's not for readers, really, it's just sorta a coping mechanism for me...
So back at it.
Things can change in life, really.
And Gina leaving, will be a huge dramatic change to this entire equation.
I'm going to be blunt. She has seen me in the happiest of my days and comforted me when I have been the worse at my breakups, failures, sicknesses, disappointments and utter drunkenness.
Now who is gonna be doing that? I have no idea at all.
Perhaps it's time for me to really man up, for me to really really grow up.
Well, she's gonna be leaving yes, but that doesn't mean she's going to be totally cut off
Thank God for FaceTime yeah.

I do feel sad that she is leaving and I mean, this is honestly worst than any possible break up or heart break that I have experienced.
I recall once, when I was on exchange in the States.
I missed home. I really did. But hey, I was having fun and a ball of a time. I didn't really care much.
However, one day, I heard from someone, that Gina, sometimes still wakes up, walks up to my room at 8am in the morning, keen on waking me up and realizes I'm not home. She missed me.
I know my family and loved ones missed me, I really did but it really broke my heart to hear that Gina missed me.
Now that really made me miss home.
Wherever she is, that to me, is definitely going to be home.

I'm not very good with expressing myself in person or doing this at all. I'm quite a mess right now but oh well, it's my blog, whatever. I just hope that Gina, you can somehow read this one day.

I'm going to miss you Gina.
I'm going to miss you so so so much.
I haven't had the chance to say this before.
But thank you for keeping me alive when life was pretty shit when I was a kid.
Thank you for loving me in this family that is so hard to love.
Thank you for bringing me up.
Thank you for being who you are.
Thank you for loving me with your food, your smiles, your joy, your words, your hugs and your kisses.
Thank you for holding my hand while I walk to school when I was 9 and thank you for hugging me when I opened Innervate CrossFit.
Thank you for loving me.
I will see you again very soon, I'm sure, be it in Singapore, Ilo Ilo, online or anywhere else in the World.
I love you, Gina.

Cross-Fit #151 The Perspective

Sometimes, perspective is all you need.

You don't need more time, more money, more strength, more fitness.
Sometimes all you need is perspective.

When you start seeing the situation around you differently, your reality changes.

No matter what people say.

No matter how the facts are laid out in front of you

Reality is shaped based on your perspective.

A friend once said, that you gravitate towards the news that suits your character.

You simply reject those which aren't aligned with yours.

And how true is that.

I can tell you that a beef is good for you.

But if deep down inside, you know with all your heart, that rice is best.

Sorry, I can't do much for you.

It's a matter of perspective.

Not to say we don't try to steer those off tangent back in line.

But we need to respect free will.

Either way, this isn't about others.

It's about us. It's about YOU.

If you start thinking every other day, that your circumstances just suck.

Then perhaps, they will.

If you wake up, thinking to yourself, UNFAIR, LIFE IS UNFAIR.

Then perhaps, life will be unfair.

If you wake up, thinking to yourself. Troubles may come but, I'm a fighter.

Then maybe, just maybe, life will be better.

OR if you wake up being CONVINCED that God is Good all the time.

Then maybe, life will be really awesome.

Because no matter your situation, no matter what you're going through, life is going to be awesome because God is a good plan for you. That if he cares more for the sparrows, won't he do the same or more for your lives?

It's about perspective. 

See through a different lens.