Remember those hands

Listening to : Hey Soul Sister - Train

It's been a rather eventful day.

I've got so much to say that I really don't know where to start.

Won't know if I have to capacity to pen it all down myself.

All I can say is that, It's been an honor to be a blessing to others.

All I've always wanted is to make a difference in the lives of someone. Anyone.

I'm really glad that I was able to do that today.

Not only that, I'm really convinced that serving is how life should be.

I've gotten too caught up.

It's when I look at my own life, when I focus down.

That's when I tend to fail, fall into thinking, fall into a rut.

Really, it sucks so badly that I really can't help it.

But today, was really a time whereby I have to remember.

An occasion for me to continually look upon.

Because it was so clear. I really remember that look.

That view in my mind, the face of shivering tears in front of me.

The look which made me speechless. I can honestly try to paint it out with my words.

But it really is futile effort, no amount of words can describe it.

It struck my heart with so much emotions.

Because when he stretched out his hands, palms facing downwards.

Telling me and comforting me with tears in my eyes in the natural and supernatural sense.

That when the burden was too heavy, I wanted to give the will up.

but I didn't, I didn't give it up. So if he can do it, going through much more.

I'm sure I can. With much conviction. I'm very sure that I can.

Yes, I want to remember those hands.

Flight in motion

Listening to : Gravity - Pixie Lot

Yeah, life really sucks when you ain't out there doing something which matters.

When you feel like you're bed-ridden and really can't move about. AHHHH!!!

I may seem like a typical no brainer who just needs to exercise.

But yes, I just need to do so.

With my legs giving way so easily, I don't know what to expect anymore.

If you though that it's a small deal, no it ain't.

It's like telling a singer that she has lost the ability to sing.

It means the same to me.

You take my legs away, you take my flight away.

I desperately want it back.

But it's strange. Though it does hurt, though it does seem impossible.

I don't want to ever give in to the pain.

No, it ain't going to hold me down!!

Come back to the true self

Listening to : Could you be the one - Stereophonics

I have come to realization that what we do is mostly driven by what we think.

DUH.

However, I've also come to find out a simple simple truth,

That sometimes, just maybe, just possibly.

Humans aren't all wise and all knowing. That our thinking may just be flawed.

That whatever we may be thinking of doing may not be the best for us in our current state and mind. maybe it isn't so just yet.

But maybe, what we should be doing is following the orders of a higher being.

Of something not called a brain, but a heart.

I'm going to come very explicit here.

I've really been experiencing a feeling of detachment.

A period of leaving and being thrown into empty space.

Maybe breaking away from the things which I know are holding me back all this while.

The attitudes of "always NO" are finally fading away.

Yeah it hurts, it really does, especially when what I'm leaving is so so close to my heart.

I've given more than my heart to them. But really, maybe what I'm supposed to do is proper.

What I'm supposed to do may not be the easiest thing ever.

I have always been justifying my own actions and telling myself that it's right.

That being with them makes me feel free, makes me feel like myself.

But then again, who am I, really?

A split personality for too long. It's time to choose one and choose wisely.

I've dedicated so much to both worlds. But in due time, I know that things will become clear.

Especially now, when it's coming.

And I know it, cause when the time comes, I'll have to be willing to sacrifice.

Regardless of stature, comments and criticism.

It'll be painful, but I have to endure it.

I just hope that at the end of the day, they'll be true buddies to understand.

Maybe not them, but really just one. Just one among all.

palms

Listening to : Dakota - Stereophonics

So the time is right I suppose.

For me to emerge from the depths of straying away for too long.

Thrown into leadership when I wasn't prepared.

Embracing the tough challenges ahead in life for the next couple of months.

I wonder how things will turn out in a few weeks.

Hasn't been the smoothest of weeks considering I've had some difficulties.

However, things have always turned out for the better.

Miracles and wonders have already started to happen. Not in the realm of physical of course.

But in the hearts and the spirits of so many people that I've come across.

That means a whole lot more to me than physical healing or magic moments.

I'm glad with what I have. I'm happy with the situations that I'm constantly in.

The doors are opening more than ever before.

But I just need to be sure to enter the right door at the right time.

I wouldn't wanna jump the gun on this.

Won't wanna run too fast and too hard for my own pace and end up burning up.

I just wanna remain focused on the current goals in front of me now.

Yeah, the priority is definitely the spiritual side for sure.

Sometimes I do get distracted.

However, at an occasion and time like this.

I'm very very sure that whatever distractions come my way.

I'm able to fan it away relatively easily. It's fabulous how things are placed in such a way.

Whereby the temptations push me but like what things say.

Never beyond what I can handle.

But i really do want more. I want this time to be the best there is.

To be able to do the best that I can. Not only in terms of my spirit.

But in my soul, in my body. I wanna maximize myself.

I wanna love so much more.

Yeah, Living daily by the words of the Spirit seem like the best thing to do now.

2 hit combo

Listening to : Don't stop believing - Glee

Yes, I get spoken to in the strangest areas and situations.

I get revelations in a combo most of the time.

On the road, in the shower, scrolling down music.

Cause while soaping up, I know that if I don't see his hand, I trust his heart.

And yes, Glee tells me Don't stop believing.

I can see that God is at work now. Lifting me up bit by bit.

It's a small step, but a big one in my Faith.

Cause I know that yes, I ain't alone, That some have yet to give up on me.

Let's see what I dream of tonight.

The theology

Listening to : I caught myself - Paramore

Draw closer to me. No don't pull back cause you'll never know what may happen.

I'm now at a juncture in which I hardly can understand.

What am I supposed to feel?

How am I supposed to react to this?

Should I take it with excitement? I suppose so. But then again, I realize that it's forced out.

It's not the most natural feelings I have. Very strangely.

But then it gets interesting when you realize that you're now in a position of no choices.

We have no option whatsoever. Giving ourselves no time to adapt.

Hmmm, Life can be a chore, but it's when we actually do enjoy the chore.

I always have that choice. I always have an option even in a dead end situation.

Whether to push forward or whether to just give up and throw in the towel.

No, I haven't been the strongest fighter in the ring.

Haven't been able to conquer them demons within.

Yeah, I can boast about how I fight in many areas. When I can take the pain.

Cause that I know I can. Give it to me, cause I'm the tank.

But when it comes to fighting the feelings out, I just can't.

It has to originate from within.

When I now know that the outcome is on me.

It always has. I have a choice in this. Whether I want to enter the fighting ring.

Whether I'll run away like a chicken or stand firm in my beliefs and rough it out till the day breaks.

When the violators come and attack, You stand firm.

But no, that's not it. You get to call your fights. You choose whether you win or lose.

I admit, I have been losing recently.

Very easily, I throw in the towel. Giving it up cause I have to guts to trust in myself.

Then I realized on the drive home. It's a time like this when I can say.

If I can't change myself, How am I supposed to change those looking up to me, How can I possibly change the World.

How do I inspire those fighting this same fight to not give up when I'm on the verge of it as well.

Moving it by examples should be the key to this success.

I want to be that role.

I want to cause myself to change for others.

Yeah, I know I have to render change in this attitude of mine.

Possibly effect from now. And yes, I refuse to give in.

But no, I can't do it alone. I really can't. I need everyones help in this.

The brothers by my right and companions by my left.

I've been carried by them for so long. I will not lose Faith now.

Not when the miracles are coming.

SOT will be the best time of my life.

It will be the time where I can proudly say that I've done all I can.

When the towel is used not to throw it in to signal surrender.

No, not this fight.

The towel will be used to wipe the perspiration which drips from my brows when it gets rough.

The towel will be used to remove the tears falling from the sockets when the pain gets too hard to bear, when the sacrifices mean too much

The towel will be used to clean the blood of the sword of the spirit when I slay them demons.

The towel will definitely be used to absorb the oil and giving me that fresh aroma again.

Lastly, It will be used to tend to the wounds I receive from the battle. Cause there will be scars.

I believe it, So please, Believe with me.

I need you of all people, Shiming.

There goes my Hero

Listening to : My Hero - Paramore

I was approached by a friend yesterday, not in person of course, but online.

He popped this very surprising statement which made me think.

He said that he wasn't a great friend. That he had so many problems and that he wasn't paying no attention to mine at all.

The next thought was very obvious for me, he didn't need to do so cause I really didn't have any.

I'm too carefree, too relaxed to do anything.

No he isn't paranoid. Then I realized...

I guess maybe I do have some issues I never bothered to deal with.

I have had many problems which I just chucked aside for the time being.

Not forgetting those which have to bring in others.

Yeah, I've always said that I'm easily contented, happy with the simplicities of life.

But I've never really pondered and wondered, maybe that's whats wrong with me.

I don't want things hard enough, I don't think hard enough.

I met Celine yesterday, and she gave a very interesting comment after knowing me for a while.

She said that I don't think of the problems in life. I just look at the bright side all the time.

At times I wish that it wasn't the case.

Sometimes I wish that I was able to appreciate the sore things.

Cause that's when I actually do start seeing the things which matter.

When I start thinking if things will work out, maybe that's when I actually deal with them.

The fact that I'm thinking of it this way must mean that I'm actually acting on it now.

I have to be that change in the World. I have to be the miracle.

I keep saying that all the time, but before I do something, I gotta realize the things which need change, which need help in. Yes, I do need some pin pointing.

Tell me I'm a hopeless friend, I'm a bad lover, I can't run, I ain't cut out for this job.

Cause I need to know, badly.

Explain to me this conspiracy against me.

How can I be a fighter if there's really nothing to fight at all.

I'll be very blatant at this, sometimes I feel so forced to do certain things.

I feel so hopeless and lifeless to be actually committed to something worth committing to.

Perhaps I just have to start looking around for my purpose again.

Cause I don't want to be forced into one like a dog.

Yes, before SOT i need some help.

No I will not detach myself again, cause there's too much at stake.

Gimmmme

Listening to : Say it again - Marie Digby

I never know that it was really such a pleasure to blog while on the go.
I mean, who would think of such a wonderul idea and put it on the iPhone?
Anyway, the good thing is that life is rather stabilizing. Finding and searching.
But I wonder at times why does the format seem to revert back to the days of old.
Profound thoughts linger at times, but sometimes an easy mind simplifies.
I do want to know the reason and the answer for it.